Blog

Is it possible to change somebody else?

The simple answer is NO. You can influence others, but you fundamentally cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. People change when they’re internally motivated to do so, not because someone else wants them to.

What you can do is:
Model the behavior you’d like to see. People often mirror what they observe, especially from those they respect or spend time with.
Create environments that encourage growth. Sometimes changing circumstances, boundaries, or social dynamics can make it easier for someone to shift their patterns.
Communicate clearly about your needs and feelings. While you can’t force someone to change, you can be honest about how their behavior affects you and what you need in the relationship.
Set boundaries for yourself. You have complete control over how you respond to someone’s behavior and what you will or won’t accept in your interactions.
Offer support when they express a desire to change. If someone genuinely wants to work on something, your encouragement and assistance can be valuable.
The most sustainable changes come from within. Trying to force change often backfires and can damage relationships. Sometimes the healthiest approach is accepting that someone may not change and deciding how you want to navigate that reality.

(18 June 2025)

The foundation of great leadership is self-awareness and what you do with it.

Exceptional leadership begins with understanding yourself—your strengths, weaknesses, values, triggers, and biases. But mere recognition isn’t enough; transformative leadership emerges from how you apply this awareness.

What truly distinguishes extraordinary leaders is how they translate self-knowledge into action:

First, self-aware leaders adapt their approach based on situational needs rather than personal comfort. They recognize when to step back and empower others whose strengths complement their weaknesses.

Second, they pursue deliberate growth. Rather than avoiding challenges that expose vulnerabilities, they seek development opportunities precisely because they understand their limitations.

Third, they build psychological safety by modeling vulnerability. By acknowledging mistakes and limitations openly, they create environments where team members feel safe to take risks and share diverse perspectives.

Fourth, they demonstrate emotional intelligence, using self-awareness to regulate their responses in high-pressure situations and to connect empathetically with team members.

Finally, self-aware leaders understand their impact on organizational culture. They recognize that their behaviors—both conscious and unconscious—set powerful examples that ripple throughout their teams.

The journey of leadership thus becomes cyclical: deepening self-awareness enables more effective action, which provides new insights about oneself, further refining self-awareness. This dynamic relationship between knowing yourself and applying that knowledge forms the bedrock of truly transformative leadership.

Self-awareness isn’t something you’re born with—it’s something you build.

(15 April 2025)

Which is more enjoyable, the journey or the arrival?

How much do we as leaders feel that if we achieve our profit targets, then “happiness will come”? Does it really come? Yes, there is a moment of euphoria, we raise glasses with the team, but then? Isn’t the next mountain peak waiting for us?
How would it feel if we enjoyed the journey instead? We set the compass and start going. If the destination is motivating for us, then it is likely that most of the moments along the journey will be positive. What if we changed the focus of management from goals to setting the destination (purpose) and then enjoying the journey with the whole team?

(5 February 2025)

Do we feel bad about that the sun is rising from the east?

Seems a stupid question as almost all have accepted the fact. This is something how the universe operates and we have no control about it. But how often we feel ourselves bad about things that are outside of our control?

For example I have noticed that my almost 3 years old granddaughter has very clear view how the universe should interact towards to her. If her expectations are not met (people around her have different view) she express her emotions clearly and loudly. Most of the times the it has no effect as she has no control over people around her. I ask from myself and notice that I also have very clear view how the universe should interact with me. My way to express it is different however I also feel bad if things do not go as I expect. Most of the times the situation is clearly outside of my control. I might have illusion that I can control other people but I am happy that I finally understand it does not work.

I still feel bad about some things that are outside of my control similar to the fact that the sun is rising from the east however I notice and I try to grow out of this. You might see similarity to the pray to the god to help me to make difference between things that are under my control and that are not. I am just curious why it takes so long time to learn this. It seems so easy but very difficult in real life.

(26 January 2025)

What is compassionate attention?

“Compassionate attention” attracted my interest from the Pema Chödrön´s book “Perfect as you are” as one way how to achieve longer joy, happiness and equanimity. What is the “compassionate attention”?

Compassionate attention is a way of being present with experiences – both our own and others’ – that combines mindful awareness with genuine care. Think of it like having a wise, kind friend who really listens to you without judgment. It has two main parts:
“Attention” means being fully present and aware – noticing what’s happening in the moment, like physical sensations, emotions, thoughts, or another person’s experience. It’s like shining a clear, steady light of awareness.
“Compassionate” means bringing warmth and care to what we observe. Instead of criticizing or trying to fix things, we meet experiences with kindness and understanding. It’s like holding what we notice in gentle, caring hands.
A simple example: Imagine you’re feeling anxious before a presentation. Compassionate attention means:

Noticing the anxiety (racing heart, worried thoughts)
Acknowledging these feelings with kindness (“This is a difficult moment”)
Staying present with the experience while holding it with care.

(04 January 2025)

Are you steering your life or are you sitting on the back seat?

I previously wrote about how much we have free will. This resonates with the book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself” by Dr. Joe Dispenza. He describes how our thoughts produce in our body different chemical substances (like cortisol, dopamine etc.) and the latter are source for our emotions. We all have different experiences and emotional traumas from our past. When the similar trigger “finds us” our body will demand the same chemical substances. For getting it the body makes us think the same thoughts. For example a political decision makes us angry (feeling) and body demands us to think critically and angrily about the decisionmakers. The same applies also to different stressors which “finding us”. We take the stress into our thoughts and mind, and produce substances that can be pretty harmful to our body.

This gives us a chemical picture of how majority of people are not steering their lives but sitting on the back seat. The good thing is that we have possibility to take the steering wheel if we really want. The first thing what is recommended by the book, is to start with self-observing exercises. I wish more of us find power to “break the habit of being as I always have been”.

(26 September 2024)

Responsibility

There was a coaching conference in Tallinn last week (29.08.2024) with a overall name “Responsibility” (“Vastutus” in Estonian). A lot of discussion about how to give responsibility and how to take it. A thought that cam to my mind was: Do we take responsibility because we “HAVE TO”, because of a fear, OR we take it because we “WANT”, because we LOVE what we are doing. The latter is related to our purpose, our calling. If we are asked to do something that is aligned with our purpose and/or shared values we take responsibility because we “WANT”. If we feel afraid that something bad might happen (we get fired, less bonus and/or salary increase, bad feedback etc.) we might take responsibility because of the fear. Would it be good to know for ourselves why we take responsibility or why not? What are our, as leaders and managers, ambitions and fears if we expect our people to take responsibility because they “have to”? Would it be much better if our people would take responsibility because they “want”?

(01 September 2024)

Why we care so much what other people think about us?

Either consciously or subconsciously we care what other people think about us. We want to be included, invited, honored etc. We look for recognition and acknowledgement. Where this comes from? What algorithm “forces” us to behave like that? What about if this is in our genes from the ancient times when we lived in tribes? During these times it was extremely important to us that other members of the tribe would think well about us. Why? Let´s think what happened if other people in our tribe started to think badly about us? I think we would be at a great risk of expulsion from the tribe. The result of the latter would most likely mean death. These times human beings were not able to survive alone. It was directly related to the fear of death.

Today we could survive. If we are thrown out of “our tribe” there are other tribes readily available or there are people who would help us to survive. We do not need anymore blindly care about what other people think about us. It does not mean that we should start to be nasty and especially cruel to other people. For me that means that we can be more the persons that we want to be. We have freedom to ask from ourselves whether we act in some way because we truly want or because we just want to please other people.

(22 July 2024)

How much we have free will?

The question has intrigued human beings for long time. Scientific studies that neurons in our brain move up to 10 seconds before we become aware of our thoughts or actions. Does that means all our actions, reactions, feelings and thoughts are determined in advance? If so, what determines our thoughts and actions? Some say: “all comes from our childhood” I believe that it is true however partly. Some thoughts and actions are built already into our genes. Most common is survival instinct. For example fight-or-flight response or tribal instincts. Although everything seem to be determined, we still have veto rights. Viktor E. Frankl allegedly said: “Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.” Thus stimuluses, triggers and also our responses are predetermined but our opportunity is to choose different response. By discovering our power to make the choice, we can grow and find joy and happiness.

(17 July 2024)